mysteries of porn

First off – I don’t really watch all that much porn, despite the content of this post.But let’s be honest, we all watch some. And if you’re like me, it leaves you with some questions. Here are mine…1280px-Erotic_scenes_Louvre_G13_n4

Some things I don’t understand, which occur in either m/m or m/f or m/m/f porn:

Men who masturbate using only two fingers (or ONE finger!!) and a thumb. This is kind of funny, and kind of sad. I always wonder why? Why, when you have a whole hand, and even a fleshy part of palm, do you restrict yourself to the limited contact of a small pincer-type grip? I assume they know what they are about, and they prefer their two-digit method. But I still whisper “Come on, use the whole hand, dude. You’re worth it!” while sadly shaking my head at my screen.

Spitting. (to clarify, I mean one guy spitting into another guy’s open mouth) Gods and Goddesses, why? Does this fall under the “use me, abuse me” umbrella? Is it similar to the faux-choking thing? I have written this off as something I will never fully understand, like armpit licking and fart sniffing. Plenty of otherwise delightful pornos have been marred by this nasty fetish.

Breaking the fourth wall. Don’t do this, porn actors. It’s creepy. Just pretend I’m not watching you. Please?

Accessories. Really? Take off your hat, and for fuck’s sake take off your dingy tube socks. No one wants to see that. While you’re at it, you can take off that thick “gold” chain, your sunglasses, and your tank top. None of it is helping. Question: which is worse – when there is a close-up of a slightly-dirty socked foot, or when some eager thrusting threatens to shake loose a baseball hat, and the guy reaches up to keep it on his head? Answer: It’s a tie, they both suck.

Facials. What. The. Fuck. Really, what is this about? I’d like to believe this is some kind of porn industry standard, something that has nothing to do with “real” men, but I am afraid. Seriously, if I’m in bed with a guy, and he pulls out then quickly maneuvers up the mattress to my head area so he can shoot onto my face… well, that will be the last time that creep is in my bed. I know men love their semen, but this takes things to another level. I mean, pull out and let fly! Wherever it lands is fine! But to make a special effort to hit someone directly in the face with your load just seems unnecessarily vulgar.

General disregard for aesthetics. Also known as: Clean the damn room before you lube up! Why in the hell would you record a porno (even an amateur one) with your dirty laundry on the floor, your ashtray full of butts and ash, your desk piled with papers, and/or your dog walking around in the background? Why? At minimum you could shuffle everything off camera. And while we’re at it, how about a plain, solid color sheet on the bed, instead of something you found in the dollar bin at the thrift shop? Do people just not give a shit what is around them? You’re recording something for posterity, here!

The Forty Minute Fuck. Is like thirty minutes too long, in my opinion. Really, who needs to go on that long? And when the poor guy finally finishes, it’s not even satisfying. It’s like he is so desensitized he’s got to struggle to get it done. I’m sitting there on the edge of my seat, cheering him on, thinking “you can do it, buddy!” And the look of relief on the poor dude’s face! It’s not the happy, relaxed, satisfied look a person should have after orgasm. Not at all. It’s the look of someone who just crossed the finish line of a marathon run. The look of a guy who had to hand saw through a sequoia. It’s sad.

1280px-Fluffer_on_set
“fluffer on set”

And in case anyone is interested…

Here are some things I’d love to see more of in porn:

  • Fun
  • Laughing
  • People calling each other by name
  • Real orgasms for women
  • Kissing
  • Scenes that continue on after the/a male actor has an orgasm
  • Non-scripted talking between actors
  • More non-penetration action

10 thoughts on “mysteries of porn

  1. Oh dear. When VHS rentals were all the rage, I worked in a video store for several years that had a porn room in the back. Ugh…the stories I could tell… Anyway, about the time I decided to quit and move on, the video “Cabin Fever’ staring Belinda Farrell (1993) was released. I had to Google search this to remember, but apparently there was a (failed) push to get the ‘erotica for women’ business started. I’m sure by now there must be a ton of erotica for women sites on the Internet. The problem is hunting down the content while wading through the gross stuff. Keywords help, I suppose.

    • oh, I remember the “blue room” well 🙂
      There are some women-friendly porn sites, but they are kind of weak. Like trashy erotica poorly acted (at least the ones I’ve seen) I like the sites and clips that claim to be “real couples” – sometimes, those are great.

      *Please don’t stage an intervention, I am NOT a porn addict! (this post is making me look really bad, lol)

  2. I’ve always wondered what the frequent complete lack of bedsheets in male porn was about. Bare mattresses. Ew. Bare mattresses that have probably been previously fucked upon, and you know you can’t wash those things. Ew.

    • LOL ew is right. And why are they so fond of doing it on a couch? Or in warehouses or grungy bathrooms? Weird.
      You can’t beat cockyboys for aesthetics, even if their stuff is a bit too “acted” at least the sets are nice.

  3. LMAO!!! All of this!!! I have thought everyone of these things!!! The two-fingers one just cracked me up b/c it annoys me every time! Why??

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