self-doubt and insecurity (my semi-annual pity party)

I am feeling so depressed lately. Not unusual, for me, but still sucky. So many things to worry about, and regret. So many failures.

I submitted my last story, and now I wish I didn’t. I’m like 95% sure it will be rejected. I can’t even look at the query and synopsis I sent (am I that stupid? Really? I wrote that?), and now I am feeling like the smarter thing would have been to just self publish it.  Plus I picked a publisher that is kind of tough, because that’s my style (failure assured).

I really like this story. I’ve been revising and editing it like crazy, and workshopping it with multiple critique groups. I know it’s way better than when I sent it in, so that’s good. At this point I could have it edited (Ugh, another issue. I’ll have to resume the search for someone who will put up with me. Will I ever find the right combination of brutal editor/nice person?) and then publish it myself. Except I have to wait for the probably-rejection. And then I wonder if I should just try to submit it somewhere else? Just to see if anyone would accept me. Just to say I have one story that’s “really” published. I know I shouldn’t care about that, but I do. Kind of.

I know that my urge to take this story out of submissions and just self-publish comes from a fear of failure (If I never try, I can never fail, right?). I put plenty of work into my writing, but then I slap a hasty cover on it, hit publish, and do little or no promotion. That way, when I fail it is less painful (what did I expect? I hardly tried.), and if I succeed it’s a minor miracle (yay! just like I won the lotto!). Just my way of making success all about “luck”, and therefore out of my control (major responsibility issues).

Other problems in the air today: I need to get a “real” day job. I broke my netbook by trying to fix the screen myself. I’m more than 5k behind on NaNo. I still don’t understand twitter. Half the people who visit this blog were searching for “vagina”.

Okay, done whining now.

Thanks for visiting 🙂

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