how do I love me? let me deny the ways…

I think I have a pretty positive self-image. If anything, it’s too positive. I often find myself, glowing with happiness, feeling pretty and smart and cool, only to be devastated by photographic evidence to the contrary, or shocked back to reality by the random appearance of a mirror.

The person I feel like on the inside does not match the person I look like on the outside.

I wonder how true this is for others? Do we all walk around with this peculiar dysmorphia, or is it only me and a handful of like-minded freaks? And what should I do about it? What can I do?

How I handle it, for now, is by constantly reminding myself that I’m not that pretty. I try to keep, in my mind, a mental picture of the way I looked when I left the house, just to maintain a firm grip on reality. I know this sounds kind of “oh poor me I’m so sad and full of self-hate”, but really I’m just trying to avoid disappointments.

I also do this shit, which is even more pathetic:

No compliment goes unpunished. (Except I do say thank you, because I’m always super concerned about being “nice”.)

You like my outfit? I literally cannot stop myself from telling you how cheap/old/uncomfortable it is. You like my hair? Prepare for me to reveal that I haven’t shampooed it in four days. Think I did a great job at something? Well, I can’t possibly agree with you.

I even deny affection for things I actually kind of like about myself.

And I know all these habits make me look bad, and I should work on liking myself more. Or just not worry about it either way. I mean, at this point in my life who even cares what I look like, or how I feel about it?

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At the very least, I should be a better example for my kids.

For now, I’m still trying…

4 thoughts on “how do I love me? let me deny the ways…

  1. That was an interesting article and it is disturbing how us women do that to ourselves. Though I wonder if the self deprecating habit might stem as self defense from a back handed remark. You know the type. ‘Nice dress…Martha Stewart wants her tablecloth back.’ Putting a negative spin on accepting a compliment would stop a possible insult before it hits. Of course one’s body language could still conveys, ‘Hey, you like the dress. THANK YOU!’ As little girls saying someone is pretty or that you feel pretty was a good thing. But as grown women, saying she’s pretty or you’re pretty could set yourself up for the mean girl treatment. Sad huh.

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