I lived in a college town during my high school years. It was fun, because as a 15+ year old girl, I could pretty much party for free every weekend. My friends and I would drive around, looking for house parties. When we found one, we employed the classic party-crasher technique “crash & blend”, which consists of basically sneaking in (or talking/flirting your way in), and then acting like you totally belong there. After a few people accept you, everyone else just figures you’re okay, and it’s smooth sailing for the rest of the night.
This is the same method I have used under my writer name on facebook. Friending people, butting into their conversations, liking and commenting and acting like I’m one of them. In high school, I did it for weed and beer and sex. Now, I’m in it for professional development and networking (not half as much fun, FYI).
But the crash & blend method is only good in the short term. Keep it up for too long, and not only do people notice, but you start to get invested in the fake-out…you start to care (see the movie Wedding Crashers as evidence). Now, I’m not saying I’m living an online lie, not really, but the “party” is definitely wearing thin. I’m starting to care. I care what people think of me, and if they “like” me. I have stopped thinking of “Amelia” as my “fake” facebook, and begun to think of it as my “other” one. I know, it’s serious. That’s why I posted last time about other people being dishonest (oh, the irony!), and why I’ve also posted about feeling like a total outsider here.
I am working on forming “real” relationships, and it’s happening…slowly. I hope that in another six months, maybe a year, people will actually accept me for the unsure, struggling person I really am, and not based on the false-confidence I pretend. Meanwhile, I am waiting, always, for someone to say the equivalent of “Hey, wait a minute, you’re not the girl who sits near me in Bio 101! Who let you in here?” It’s an odd combination of feelings.
This blog is the best thing I’ve done. I don’t know why I never blogged before! It’s so nice, like a diary, but public. I never would have thought that would be a good thing, but it soooo much is. Being able to write my thoughts and feelings is nice, and doing it publicly means I have to make it readable, moderately interesting, and also make sense (qualities my previous journals never had). I don’t even care if anyone ever reads it, I like doing it just for me.
Tumblr and Twitter are failures for me.
I love, love, love tumblr, but I have no interest in really “using” it. When I’m on tumblr, I am either laughing hysterically at gifs and pictures, or getting really upset at political/social issue comments. So, it’s a bipolar experience, but not entirely unpleasant. I can spend hours on there, and accomplish nothing. It actually really fits my personality (manic time waster), but I don’t have the skills to make it useful or meaningful for me as a wannabe writer.
Twitter is just…no. I don’t know what I’m doing. I hardly ever go on there. I don’t know how to use a hash-tag, and I get mildly irritated even just with the terminology. Tweet? Tweeps? Twerps? Twats, more like. I lack the networking and cognitive ability to even tread water on twitter. Once in a blue moon, I post some asinine comment up there, not even sure where it goes or who sees it. Someday, if the need arises, I may submit my twitter feed as part of an insanity defense.
So, of the major social media platforms, blogging makes me happiest. Facebook is my next favorite, even if it breaks my heart most days. And I still feel as if I don’t really belong on any of them…like I’m crashing a party. But I’m working on it 🙂