feeling alone

I have been feeling very alone lately. I think part of it is just the nature of my lifestyle… a stay-at-home mom, no workplace to go to for chit-chat or socialization. But also I think part of it is this writing thing I’ve been up to. I’ve heard it said that all writers are lonely, but I’m not sure if that’s true. In any event, I don’t think I’d really call myself  “a writer” yet. I’ve written some things, sure…but it’s hard for me to take myself seriously I guess. Calling myself a “writer” seems an overstatement.

writingStill, the writing is isolating. I don’t think it has to be, but for me it is. Because it’s like this: no one in my life knows that I write. Really, except for my husband – NO ONE.

In a way, that’s good. No one has to know if I fail, no one judges me by my stories, no one asks how my book is going. But then… no one understands what I did all weekend. No one reads my drafts. No one writes me glowing reviews or tells their friends about my book or tells me I’m doing nice work. And worst of all – I have no one to complain to!

I’ve always been private, and I’m okay with that. I guess the real problem is that I can’t just sit in my nice cozy room and write all night. I’ve got to try to make “friends”, in order to sell my books. I have to go on facebook and tumblr and twitter and put myself out there, promote my work and push out my name, and it just feels so awkward! As if I’m saying “like me! like me!” and people respond with “why? who the hell are you?” or simply ignore me. It’s rejection after rejection. Like there’s a big cool-people-club that I’m not in.

I simply don’t have the self-confidence for it.

Mostly, people are nice. Other writers are super-nice. People sometimes respond to my posts and slowly people have started to “follow” me. And I’ve noticed that even career writers (big time authors who are like superstars to me), who have hundreds or even thousands more followers/friends than I do, still sometimes put up posts and have no responses, or write blogs where no one comments. And I know I’ve only been doing this a very short while, and relationships take time.

So, I try live the old adage “if you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend“. I try to be social and comment on other people’s blogs and facebook posts. In doing this, I have had a really great time. I could honestly spend hours reading people’s blogs, or looking at posts on facebook and tumblr.  And I have certainly “met” a few people who I really like and who make me smile. But it’s still kind of lonely, because those people don’t really know me. And I guess I don’t really know them.

Soon, I may have to tell my family and friends what I do at night. I may have to ask for the support I need, and in so doing face the horrifying possibility that they might read my stories (ack!).

But not yet…I still have rum.

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